Olive's story
Speaker 1
So, what were your life circumstances when you found out you were pregnant with this pregnancy that we're talking about today?
Speaker 2
I'd just got married. Yeah, I'd just got married and I had a two year old daughter. I'm trying to think. When did I find out? I think it was Christmas? Yes, it was autumn and I'd just got married. And my daughter must have been two, but she, she, she really understood stuff, so that makes me feel that she was older. And, and I think we had sort of, you know, we'd held off a little bit until we'd got married and got the wedding out of the way. And then, my husband is a teacher, so we were, we sort of had it planned a little bit more than we had previously. And so we were like, okay, we get married, and then we get pregnant in autumn and then we have a baby like many teachers do in, just before the summer holidays. It was all very new to me, that slot, there. Yeah.
Speaker 1
And how did you feel about the pregnancy?
Speaker 2
Um, I'm very, I'm, I'm very sort of matter of fact. And quite, like I sort of protect, protect myself with a very, overly pragmatic view of things. Um, but I think I was a little bit, in my previous pregnancy, I was, you know, was just like, wait and see, no one get excited, stop, stop jumping around, when the baby comes, and everything's fine that's when we, you know, that's when you can congratulate me. And so I have that mindset that I'm just like, things could not happen and you don't know what, you know, got to get, almost like you got to get through it and out the other side, and then you know, and then that's the point. So I've always been, sort of downplayed it a bit, but I think I had full confidence, confidence in the... process is a horrible word... In that I could, that I could do it and carry a baby and have a baby. And luckily, my first daughter was a good delivery. And so I think, I think I was somewhere in the middle. I was like, okay, that's fine. Um, and obviously different because I had a toddler. And we told her and she, and she completely understood and we told her quite, quite quickly and she was very excited and onboard. And so I think I was just, yeah, calm but pragmatic. Alright.
Speaker 1
And how did you find out that there was a problem with the pregnancy?
Speaker 2
Um, at the scan, at the 12 week scan and I think I had not really had much morning sickness with my first and I, I had a period of being very, pretty debilitated with this pregnancy. And it probably lasted for about three weeks and I was just exhausted, and felt quite sick, but mainly exhausted. And then it quietened down. And then I went to the scan. And it was a bit tough, because I got there and my husband didn't get there on time, so I went into the room. And you know, they sort of said, well, we haven't got much time, so we'll get you going and he can come in sort of the thing. And I didn't really clock it from the staff. But, but I was a bit like, I'm sure there should be a noise right now. And, and I was just a bit like, but I just have this sort of override that goes, presume everything's okay until you're told it's not. So I was like, okay. And then I think they were just sort of, they just sort of said, it doesn't seem to be sounding. And then luckily, my husband turned up pretty shortly after that. And I think I was... Yeah, it was, it was.. it's sort of bit ridiculous but you're kind of like a little bit embarrassed that you're, you know, is embarrassed the right word? Yeah, sort of like putting on a show and you're not. You haven't really, you know, there's nothing, there's nothing there. And I was just sort of, yeah, I suppose I sort of, I call myself a bit of an Armageddon because I'm, like, always, always have to think of like the worst case scenario. And I hadn't really thought of it like that happening, like that sort of thing. So maybe, maybe, I don't know, not as prepared as you may think you are. When things happen, you're like, oh okay, right. And it's a bit tough for anyone. I don't know, I haven't experienced an alternative way of finding out. But I found the, the ceremony of finding out like that, a bit tough. Because it was really, you know, quite, there's a measure of it and there's monitors, and you know, there should be this noise and it's just flatline. I don't know. I mean, I don't know how it compares. But I was just a bit like, oh.
Speaker 1
So what, what did they tell you? or how did they tell you and what did they tell you?
Speaker 2
They just said, there doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. And then they just, I don't know at what point but they, I suppose they quite quickly take measurements, don't they, and they were able to sort of say it doesn't look like it progressed beyond eight and a half weeks. Which, you know, sort of maybe coincided when I wasn't feeling great. But, you know, I was, it's obviously gutting to go through that situation and find out like that, and, but I was also you know, I have quite a, I don't know if it's because I'm a farmer's daughter, but I just, I just have quite a, again, a pragmatic approach to you know, I have massive respect and utter astonishment at what my body had done first time And I know people say that, and, um, and people say, oh, you know, respect your body, it's so amazing, whatever. And I, I'm just sort of usually like, you know, get on with it. And then, but after the first time round, I was like, wow that's pretty mad what you can do. And in a way, I was a bit like, do you know what, you know, like, what an amazing set of things to get right. So, you know, I'll, if, you know, I'm not going to hold it, you know, I sort of respect that sometimes it doesn't come together and, and, and work out and, and, you know, if, I would prefer that, if if it's not going to, you know, be, you know, how do you put it? If it's not going to work out, then it's not going to work out that's, that's alright too, sort of thing. And yeah, it didn't, I think it's more that you, you have a, have a plan. And it doesn't go, you know, to plan. Guess what? Yeah, and obviously, just it's hard when you. I tell everyone everything. And, and, and, and I stand by that because, you know, people are like, oh, you don't, you know? And it's like if I couldn't deal with it, and if I didn't want those people to help me deal with it, whatever happens, you know, I wouldn't tell people that I have to untell that I don't want to untell. But I think the hardest thing is when you tell a toddler, and they touch your tummy and, you know, they buy into it, and then you sort of have to, you have to untell them and it's not like untelling an adult.
Speaker 1
Yeah. How did that go? The untelling the toddler?
Speaker 2
She's amazing. In that, I believe that we give her the facts about everything. But we always give her the positive, sort of, you know, this is happening, it's a bit complicated, we're having to behave like this ,it's a bit difficult, but we've got lots of fun stuff and sort of, like we show her the positive route through, don't hold anything from her. And, you know, I still think that it's right for us to tell her because, you know, I was not feeling great. And I don't know it felt like keeping a secret and I didn't really want to do that. So she was cool. She, I mean, she was angry and upset. It was so sort of just like, ah, and I was like, you know, I'm really sorry, but this is what happens sometimes. And, you know, it's amazing when it happens, but it doesn't always happen that way. And she's, she was a bit angry for a couple of times that we mentioned it and then she put it into this sort of, and she trotted off to nursery and she's like, you know, my mummy had a baby and the baby, you know, went to heaven. She's at a Christian nursery. Like where did you get that, have you been talking to granny? No, it's nursery isn't it? Yes. So, you know, and and, and then she would chatter about it from time to time. Yeah. But I, I'm really lucky in that I seem to get pregnant in, you know, in fairly, fairly easily, so I think I was sort of like, okay, you know, I'm going to, you know, we'll have another go at some point.
Speaker 1
So what, what happened, before we talk about the next pregnancy if you don't mind talking about it, what happened with the, once you'd had the scan and the diagnosis, what happened next with you and that process?
Speaker 2
Yeah. That bit. That bit's not cool, is it?
Speaker 1
No, it's not.
Speaker 2
My best mates just, she's a midlife. Oh well, Lisle probably told you. 20 weeks, yeah and I don't know what it entails. But, but I mean, I think she was by all accounts amazing, because she'd, she'd been through it, you know, supported people through it, but you know, I just. I didn't, it was just before Christmas, I found out just before Christmas. So I got quite drunk. I was on the way out for like a lunch with my, all my girlfriends, after immediately after the scan, I was off for a Christmas like, freelancers Christmas lunch with my mates. But luckily, I just sort of, they were the kind of friends that, A, knew or if they didn't I didn't mind them and so I just sort of, you know, had a good blub and you know, had a bottle of wine. Um, but then Christmas basically meant that you know, there was a bit of a sort of like, how, how are we? You know, how is this going to play out? And so I was given the option, I can't remember what the, I can't remember what the, what the options were but one involved sort of staying in London and, and having I think, do you take something maybe? And I didn't really want to stay in London, and I wanted to just, you know, let happen what happens. So I went back to Scotland and then you know, hoping that things would sort of happen naturally and, and they didn't so I did end up going back I suppose, yeah just after Christmas at some point and, and having... Well it's called a missed miscarriage but I don't know what they call it. You go into hospital.
Speaker 1
They used to call it a D&C. I don't know what the like, new term is.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So I went in, and which is sort of, that was like going back to being 19. Again. I really like being anesthetised so...
Speaker 1
That bit was good.
Speaker 2
I'm just like, I like the bit when you come out. I'm just like... Yeah, so the bit, like the Christmas bits a bit. Because you're, I was drinking and I was sort of trying to enjoy the fact that I was drinking at Christmas. And that was my, that was my sort of silver lining. But I also felt like it was an aggressive act even though it was. Yeah, just Yeah. But I sort of felt like I kind of you know, I could enjoy that. Sort of, yeah. And I yeah, I kind of went home and we told a couple, we went out, went out for lunch, what we shouldn't have done is we went out for lunch in central London before Christmas and kind of announced it to my, my husband's family were all there and they're really like, they really delight in babies and were incredibly excited. My family are incredibly pragmatic Scottish farmers and everything is just, you know, sort of, nature's physical transaction and, and so we told them and, and we shouldn't have done that because, because, they were very emotional and then they got very, you know, whereas my family is just like, my dad, you know, I was just like, okay, just so you know, this is, this has just happened and whatever, and my dad was just like, ah, anyway, so Stoner what are we doing, are we going to build this tree house? Fucking hell, you know just, it was just excruciating for him to have to deal with anything like that.
Speaker 1
So you had two completely opposite reactions.
Speaker 2
Totally. Totally different.
Speaker 1
And it doesn't sound like either of them were that helpful to you at that point.
Speaker 2
No, I mean, I think Stoner's family are wonderful, but you know, yeah, they, you know, they were probably quite sad and emotional. And I was sort of like, come on just, you know, it's fine we'll just, you know, crack on sort of thing, but I suppose, you know, I was in Scotland with my family so that... My sister and my mum are cool. They're understated, but then they're, they're cool. It's just my dad is a complete product Victorian hands-off, emotionless machine. He can engage with other people and their emotions, but not his own family.
Speaker 1
So how did you feel physically after the procedure? Did you feel... you tell me?
Speaker 2
Well, I had to get up and do some work for Wrapped. No Lisle was amazing, Lisle was amazing. He was like, just don't do anything. And I was like, no, what, you know, fine. Fine. Really. I think that's, you know, for me I'm like okay, that's, that's sort of the beginning of the next bit. And, and I think it's just a bit, a bit before that you're just in, in a sort of purgatory-ish, waiting zone. And then, yeah, and, that's it.
Speaker 1
And what, what were the emotional challenges you experienced as a result of that miscarriage and then the procedure afterwards?
Speaker 2
Um, I don't know, if, I don't know if I took anything with me, possibly just a bit of caution in approaching the next pregnancy. And it would have obviously been completely different if I had not had a, you know, my first pregnancy was very normal. The word was normal I got, um, and it was, you know, the birth and the pregnancy was. So I had faith that, that that was a, you know, normally, um, and so, I think I, yes, with subsequent scans and things like that, or, you know, I was a little bit, yeah, but I didn't let it, I didn't let it filter in. It's obviously very different for people with different, at different stages. But as mine, I just considered it as sort of an eight week, you know very early. Yeah. Full stop. Is that a horrible thing to say?
Speaker 1
Full stop. There's no judgment to make about any of it. There's enough judgment going on around this subject, there will be none here. Um, so how do you feel about the experience now?
Speaker 2
Um, I don't know. I'm just thinking about, so my best friend's a midwife and she... I know, this is something that you'll, is it reassuring or not reassuring when people say, oh that's it, at your age, like, you know, that like when they bring the, I don't know what it is one in four.
Speaker 1
Yeah, one in four pregnancies.
Speaker 2
And you're like, am I... is that consoling or damning? Um, it's okay. You know, it was alot. I'm sure no one said it's not okay, but it's just like, well you know we all know. Yeah, I can't remember the question.
Speaker 1
The question was, how do you feel about the experience now?
Speaker 2
Okay, I don't know. Yes. Okay. Okay.
Speaker 1
And is there anything else that you'd like to share about what you've been through?
Speaker 2
Not personally, not really. I just there's other, like, there's other people go through very different versions. And I don't have anything, I don't have a, yeah, like, that's kind of all I have to say about my experience. But I just feel incredibly, you know, when you talk to somebody else, like there's a girl locally, who has just had a sort of like a phantom pregnancy really early on. And then, and everyone it's just so different for everyone and talking to Charlotte, and you know, she's at the stage where there's funerals and names.
Speaker 1
And this is this is your friend who lost the baby at 20 weeks?
Speaker 2
Yeah. At 20 weeks, and, and there's laboring, and it's just a completely different... But also the categorisation, like, she was sort of saying that, that's, that must be just so strange, because depending on age and stage, it's a completely different procedure that happens and the terminology and the naming of things is different. And, and that sort of strikes me as a bit bizarre, because Charlotte was a bit like, I've been offered a funeral, do I do this or do I do that? And some people have a full on such and such and whenever and, and, you know, there must be people who feel totally different about, everyone is going to feel totally different about it, regardless of, you know, how you've, how you've got to that point, and whatever else has happened, and, and how you feel about the pregnancy or what the connection is. And it must be strange that you're offered things at different points. Um, and maybe some people would need those at a different point, you know, sort of, in a more personal sense. Here are your options. How do you feel?
Speaker 1
Yes, rather than like, you've crossed this threshold and this is what happens after that. But you weren't allowed it then. You're right, it's very, it seems quite, yeah, I don't know what the word is but...
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, I understand that, like, some of the options sort of raise, you know, if I was equally within, within sort of, with the stage I was at, if I was given all these options, I'd be like, oh, God, am I, am I not, you know, am I horrible for not, you know, wanting to have a full funeral? Or you know, just, but yeah, I suppose it's just maybe support in, yeah, where you are and what you need, and, and how you need to process it I guess.
Speaker 1
Yeah, rather than one size fits all, depending on where you've got along the scale.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And you just sort of, you know, I tend to like when, when it's talked about, you know, I'm just, I'm like, well, this is what happened to me. And, you know, if I can, you know, you, in order for people to feel like they can talk openly. But it's just, yeah, it's one of these things, it's completely personal. And I would never, you'd never be able to sort of say, oh well, you know, you, you know, you should be feeling all this. A lot of people do that, but anyway, so, that's why.
Speaker 1
So, that's all the questions on my list. I guess it's sort of thinking back into, you know, into your timeline of what happened, you mentioned you get pregnant quite easily and I happen to know that you were able to have a second child so do you mind me asking how soon afterwards you had that baby?
Speaker 2
So that was Christmas, and God, we must have got pregnant in June, July, August, September, October, November.... August! September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, July... Yes, it was, I think it was like at end of June I got pregnant. So, yeah. And I think that's what happened... All my mates were going to Morocco for a festival. And like a sort of, you know, a thespian get fucked and do yoga in a posh hotel? And very, oh, no, you know, it was, it was brilliant, all my mates went there and, you know, there was, there was really good music. And everything was like tongue in cheek. So it was like Gong baths and, and, like, cosmic yoga and stuff like that. But in a like, slightly grown up, it was slightly grown up, like, it was a beat hotel. So it was all sort of about, you know, it was like, poetry workshops, drawing workshops, and cocktails. So I was just like, right, that's what I'm going to go and do. So I went and did that, and then I came back and cleaned up my act, and got pregnant in yeah, late June. And then that, yeah, and then we were moving to Scotland, so it was a bit sort of, like, changing system. And so I was a bit kind of late into the Scottish system, but it was fine. And I think, you know, I'd been in South London, and I'd had my daughter in Kings. And Kings is just a behemoth but it's amazing. I mean, when I had Peggy there was, there was 250 beds in the postnatal ward, and it was full. Yeah. And the day before, the labour ward was shut, so you would have had to go Lewisham because it was nine months from Christmas Day. Idiots. So but luckily, weirdly, I was at the back end of the kind of rush, so they were all just dead. But the postnatal ward was, was pretty much full. So I imagine now, and each ward have about, I can't remember the rooms had four or six beds. And then, you know, times that by how many, but also in South London so you've got complete mixture of cultures. And you've got like, some beds with like, 10 relatives round, like hanging out. You're just like, I've just had a baby. So but Kings has got this amazing, like, Space Age antenatal unit. So I was a bit nervous I think of leaving. And also, you know, like I had a I had hemorrhage with Peggy, like a little hemorrhage. So I had to kind of rush to hospital quite quickly. It was absolutely, everything was absolutely fine. And it was like three minutes to the hospital. So the whole move to Scotland was a little bit like okay, what's the setup here? And, and, you know, it all seemed quite old and clunky. And you know, very Scottish midwives. You know, telling you awesome stuff. So it was a bit of a different equation.
Speaker 1
And not 250 people on the postnatal ward.
Speaker 2
Dead. Everywhere. Oh, and then just COVID you know, put a pandemic in there, really makes it quite quiet in the hospital.
Speaker 1
So it was, it was earlier this year that you had the baby?
Speaker 2
Yeah, she was the 2nd of April.
Speaker 1
Oh, wow. In Lockdown?
Speaker 2
Yeah, in Lockdown. Yeah. So because we went, so I came up here and where we are now is 45 minutes to the midwife led unit and a bit over an hour to the hospital. And I had Peggy really quickly. So my best mate the midwife was like, you need to have a home birth, but I just don't have it in me, as you know, like, I spent the first few years of my life in hospital and I'm, you know, think that they're good places to go when you need to, you know, I just I'm just like, you know, get me into hospital. So luckily we planned to go down to my mum and dad's because it's 15 minutes from a sort of one stop shop hospital that does everything. And so we always planned, and they've got like a cottage with another little cottage attached to it that they let out, or not even a cottage it's like a converted garrage that's like a holiday let. They call it the West Wing, it's a converted garrage. And so we, they booked that out and we were going to always go there. So we went there on the 14th of March to have the baby because we like 15 minutes the hospital, my mum and dad are there, my sister's there, Peggy can play with them. All sorted. And then all the lockdown business was just crazy. Because obviously, I was 11 days over, so we were there for almost a month before we had Dottie. And I freaked out and said I wanted to homebirth and then I realised that it still consisted of someVix Vapor rub and some hot water and towels. And I was like, okay, maybe I don't. And I got taken into the hospital and shown around the labor ward and saw what they were doing and I was massively reassured. And it's lucky enough because I would have been dead if I'd stayed at home and had a baby. Just know, I had a massive hemorrhage. Yeah, so I think I lost five and a half pints. So you know, there was like, the doors opened and in came many people, I specialise in births with, with a lot of attendance. So, so yeah, I mean, incredibly lucky. On all levels but one.
Speaker 1
Thank goodness you made that call. Yeah, there is something you know, people are like, you know, you get a lot of like, just do what your body tells you. And I'm like, I don't know what it's saying, but there's something in there you just you know, me and my husband were sort of like let's just go to the hospital. And, yeah, I suppose there is something maybe in that that's just like... Yeah, you know, even here I would have been pretty stuffed if I'd have, because again, it was quite quick labor. I went into labor, like properly started sort of getting going at five in the morning and I had her at half seven. Wow, that is pretty quick.
Speaker 2
Yeah, so um, but she had a big head. I've lost you, somebody's rung me, I've lost you.
Speaker 1
I'm still here.
Speaker 2
Can I maximise it again... It's a tiny little box in the corner. Oh, there we go. That's better. Um, yeah.
Speaker 1
Um, well, I don't have any more questions for you Olive. Thank you very much for talking to me about your experiences. And I'm glad that you're alright.
Speaker 2
Yeah, I'm okay. I'm alright, I'm alright, we're all, I just do what I, don't, just feel like, I just feel lucky. I feel lucky. Lots of, lots of levels and I just, sort of don't think about things too much. Think about them a bit. And then I'm like, Okay, let's just concentrate on the bits that I'm, that I feel lucky about. That as far as I allow my head to go.
Speaker 1
Oh well, alright.
Speaker 2
Thank you.
Speaker 1
Yeah, you're very welcome. I'm going to end the recording, no that's end the meeting, I'm going to end the recording. Hang on a second. Put under pressure now.
Speaker 2
Yeah, I've only thought about it in terms of other people's experiences. I think I just didn't feel like I needed to go there in terms of mine. But yeah, it's strange to hear people. Charlotte was like, at this point, you know, we're talking about disposal of material and at this point, we're talking about burying a baby. And, you know, it's yes, down to the definition as to what, when, when that point happens, emotionally for everyone. That's going to be different and it's not going to follow suit. I thought of something else and now I can't dig it out. I'll remember later on...
Speaker 1
Alright, well l will...