‘But he still there, he's always there. In my thoughts, in my heart, he's my second son. And will always be. The beginning I was, I would not tell anyone about him, like it was my secret. But it felt not right, because I didn't want to get any questions. But, but now every time I, someone asked me how many children do you have, I always say three. But I miss him so much. And I would have given everything to just, to get to know him. Even as a mother, we probably, I don't know, I felt, I feel like we have some instincts about our children's character, even before they are born, like we, we know them already.’

‘I wanted to have him but I didn't enjoy it, because it was just so worrying and scary all the time. I had a few little bleeds and that all the way through. There just seemed to be one thing after another with him. So but yeah, didn't expect like the end result, but yeah, it was, it was quite, was like I couldn't relax. So like when I had Keeley, I didn't even know people lost children really, do you know what I mean, because that seems like something that had happened in like ages ago, years ago. And because of like, the way like medical, medical things are advanced now, you just think they'd be able to cure everything and fix everything. ‘

‘The partner I was with, actually we hadn't been together all that long at the time. We, we'd been a couple for about eight months, but we'd been friends for a couple years before that. And ironically, we'd been, we'd been not being, being very careful. And ironically, we'd had a bit of a chat about not being very careful, and then literally a week later found out that I was expecting. At the time he was finished, he, because he'd gone back to uni as a mature student, so he was doing his degree. And I was working, so I was kind of the major breadwinner. But obviously, you know, I mean, we decided we were obviously going to keep the baby and everything because we were both at that sort of age.’

‘Well, the, I think the bigness of it, compared to the bigness of their feelings around it. Compared to what the world seemed to expect the response to be. I also really couldn't find anything to read that found helpful. Like, I went on the, like the Tommy's website and stuff, but I think I was looking for, which was really useful for kind of practical information because my anxiety about getting pregnant again, then went through the roof. But I couldn't find, I found one poem by Sylvia Plath, that refers, I think, in a line to a miscarriage. And just didn't, like scoured for other stuff, like read a couple of really like quiet shit novels that have a bit of something about it in, but I was desperate to kind of read experiences of it that weren't just like everyone else's, like mine unprocessed version. ‘

‘I'd had, I've had, I've had fertility issues from a young age - polycystic ovaries. So I thought that the first pregnancy would be hard to, you know, I'd always been told I might have fertility issues. But I didn't, I was very blessed, and had my first child. And then, it you know, it was really difficult to become pregnant again. I was aware of my age and just wanting, you know, and my partner's age too, to have a second child. So we sought some help, and I was told to stop breastfeeding, so I did and then was given a fertility drug - Clomid. And became pregnant and was absolutely overjoyed, you know, after two years of hoping, and yes, that's the sort of, my life circumstances at the time.’

‘By the end, it felt more physical than emotional. It felt more like the toll on my body was just like, uh, um, and I suppose, I don't know, God was I in denial all that time when it was still inside me and I was just working really hard, I was just like, in my head I was like I know something's not right because I haven't had a period and, but I just needed to get to the end of this job. And so maybe I've been like holding onto something really tight and I remember going into my boss at the time's office at the theatre, and just like, she was a, she's a woman so it felt, you know, and she's a very caring person and I just like, sobbed and sobbed, so there was obviously a lot held in to be let out’

‘But I think the hardest thing is when you tell a toddler, and they touch your tummy and, you know, they buy into it, and then you sort of have to, you have to untell them and it's not like untelling an adult.

She's amazing. In that, I believe that we give her the facts about everything. But we always give her the positive, sort of, you know, this is happening, it's a bit complicated, we're having to behave like this ,it's a bit difficult, but we've got lots of fun stuff and sort of, like we show her the positive route through, don't hold anything from her. ’

‘And I'd say to her, I'm really worried that I'm going to go to a scan, and they're going to say you've imagined it, and it's not real. So I took hundreds of tests, to the point where my husband thought that I had a problem, I took so many tests just to confirm. And there was no sign, there was, it was, there was no symptoms to say that there was anything going wrong, there was no feeling physically, it was just very much for me, feeling like it was something that I so desperately wanted, but I just had this feeling that it was something that was never going to actually happen. And so it was just a very, very overwhelming feeling.’

‘So, you know, we, we made a pact to just talk about it, to cry to, you know, to give the grief the time it needed and, and I think once we started having that conversation, it was very cathartic. And we, you know, just allowed each other the time we needed to fall apart and to grieve and to, and to do all of those things that we needed to do. And, you know, I think I'm quite, I'm quite aware that we had to grieve, we had to allow ourselves that time, because if you rush that stuff, that's really when things become really difficult, and just really destructive. And, you know, for me, there was a point of, if we do that, that is so disrespectful to his memory. So, you know, we were very careful to make sure we managed, looking after ourselves, looking after our grief, looking after the memory of Hamish.’

There is a huge part of me that has died with this, a very, very big part. And growing up I was, I was always known as the one who was brilliant with kids and I'd always be the one looking after all, all the children at the family get togethers and even though I was doing quite well in school, my mum always said to me, you know, this is what you should go into. And it's not the path I followed, but I do feel that I used to have a very, very strong connection with children in general. And this experience has, has definitely taken that, taken that away.

‘By the end, it felt more physical than emotional. It felt more like the toll on my body was just like, uh, um, and I suppose, I don't know, God was I in denial all that time when it was still inside me and I was just working really hard, I was just like, in my head I was like I know something's not right because I haven't had a period and, but I just needed to get to the end of this job. And so maybe I've been like holding onto something really tight and I remember going into my boss at the time's office at the theatre, and just like, she was a, she's a woman so it felt, you know, and she's a very caring person and I just like, sobbed and sobbed, so there was obviously a lot held in to be let out’